My Hinder moment...

I don't really know how to start off today's post. Not much of a problem for the past few postings. But still, here goes....

Lately i've been feeling bouncy springs in my steps. Its because somehow lately I'm beginning to feel God's presence more and more everyday. No, i have not decided to become a priest. I'm on my way back Home. I might get lost along the way but am not afraid. For i know that there are a lot of my friends will lead me in the right path. They will keep giving me choices for me to choose.

Life is like a bloody RPG gamebook. You get to choose whatever path you wanna go and the option seems endless. But still there are some paths that leads to self destruction. Its hard to guarantee that i will not repeat the same mistakes for i still own a human heart. A heart which longs for the comfort of the world. This is just the beginning of an amazing journey...

"A Journey of a thousand miles starts at the Gas Station..."

That was my status posted on facebook.com not long ago. I liked how it sounds like a one-liner but yet there's truth to it. Lately, i've been hooked on double edged meaning phrases. Don't know why or when. Just happens.

I finally threw away any excuses i have for not getting a proper day job and just went for an interview Paul introduced me to. I was kinda thinking that ...well, not thinking at all and just went for it! LOL!!! At the time of publishing, yours truly is still waiting for a favourable reply. Its not a high paying job or anything like i've done previously. Its totally a new environment to me. Its rare for me to just go by faith. I think all of my friends can testify that I am a King of Excuses.

"Hypocricy"

But i feel no excuse can be forgiven for going back on one's own words. Hypocricy. A word which i tried to avoid being categorised all my adulthood. But now, i'm on the edge of falling into it. I am still trying to find a reason to tell myself not to. But the magnetic power of hypocricy is strongly pulling me in. I am treading in dangerous waters. The ice is so thin that i could practically see the tides moving underneath.

The main reason, or rather why i am writing this post, is because of just an hour beforehand, i almost made a wrong step and did a seppuku! Almost. Got me cornered but God told me to hold my ground. To be honest, i'm not even sure if it is really God or was it just wishful thinking! I needed to gather my train of thoughts! Needed to get the facts right! And i prevailed yet another day! Victorious! FTW!! LOL~~

But i know that somewhere deep in the dark corner of my human heart, i wanted to! I was enjoying it. My heart was beating furiously! I was constantly thinking of new things, a new approach to finally get to the object of desire! So strong was the desire that i almost gave in to my heart! Its not anything illegal but its a matter of personal beliefs. A longing for companionship never felt so wrong!

I remembered what Elliott told me eons ago. "6 inches. The distance from your mind to your heart". But that distance never existed to me. I don't know if this is a trick of the mind or a desire of the heart! I wanted God to decide but somehow i still wanted to takeover. Such weak is the heart, fickle is the mind!! Hopefully i'll be able to sort things out as soon as possible because i just couldn't handle having such a fake mask over the real me. I know i can...because He says i can!

"The end is the beginning of another beginning's end"

I don't really know what that means but i just wanted to type something real cool for the closing! LOL!!! Just a random thought. Oh well, i guess i feel much lighter now that i blogged it out. I guess i'd feel much more awesome when i pray about it later when i crash. LOL!!!

So there you have it! Another of my late night super specials!!! LOL!!! Keep checking in for the progress of the Faith and Mind!

Lost Sheep,
JL

UPDATE 11/7/09: Almost lost my footing. Still dancing around on thin ice. Kinda revealed the truth but still insist on nothing. More to come...

UPDATE 26/7/09: Still doing what I'm doing now. Nothing more, nothing less. Still wondering why the heck am i doing all these things. I'm confused..

UPDATE 7/8/09: The rush seems to be dying down a bit. Maybe i'm too tired to care? All those researches and business planning is really taking its toll on me. I'll just let things be for now....