Fight the good fight!

Wow! its been so long! lolxxx...with work and all, i guess it can't be helped! Sorry, my future self reading this! i'll try to update as often as i could! Pinky promise! ^_^

So, what's been happening to my life in the absence of the blog postings? Nothing much...just work and work and work..oh yeah, i'll be starting a new job next week! (Yeah...again but at least i'm working! So, don't judge me.)

What triggered me so much that i came back here to rant? Something that me and a couple of very dear buddies that is close to my heart started has crumbled. This thing that we have (not a reference to mafia) and worked so hard for the past 5 years or so has finally decided to cease operation and break up.

This ending is foreseen since couple of months back, if not years. We started out young, energetic and full of passion. Something we enjoyed doing so much, we said we wouldn't mind doing it for no charge at all.

But everything changed in the last 12 months since I've been away. Things started to lose its shine and we've lost the passion we once had. What we once said we'd do it for free, now comes at a price. Friendship became unsettled and team morale dropped drastically.

All i can do is just see things fall apart. As much as i wanted to help, i can only tell myself to trust that they can deal with it. I felt so disabled. So deep is my conviction to this thing we have that sometimes i feel like returning.

But, no! I shall not be so hasty with my emotions! I still have a future to consider. Therefore, i saw the downfall of what could have become our legacy.

But now that is all in the past. Friends are now on all-time low on morale and passion. Negative conversations seems to be the norm. Commitment is now non-existing. It is now a myth. Like the passion we had.

Does it really matter what happened in the past? We live in the present. Present also means gift. Its a gift that we are still living today. That alone is worth celebrating. Its a triumphant victory!

 I don't allow myself to play the Game of Negativity or the Rules of I-give-up. I'd give my utmost to lift up a fallen brethren. I'd take up the arm and continue the march. Be it the march forward or the retreating march to recoup. All that matters is the brotherhood circle. Nothing else matters.

It hurts me as much as you do. But spreading the disappointment and negativity isn't doing anyone of us good. I admit that at times, i, too will stumble and fall. But i pick myself up and fight another good fight. I don't regret losing. I only fear giving up too early.

I don't care what happened within the upper ranks. All i care...is you, my Rangers.

Enzo: A Tail of a thirsty pup

Just last weekend, i was walking around Citta Mall, Ara Damansara with nothing to do. So, we decided to just walk in Petsmore to see if there is anything we can buy for Kiki. Instead, i saw "him".

He was lying down in his small 2 x 2 display cage. With his eyes looking up at me, i felt he was trying to tell me something. He was looking at us then looked at his empty, overturned water bowl and back at us. he kept doing this for three times. He got up, flipped his bowl upright and tried to grab it by the teeth to pick it up. It was funny how he was trying so hard to do it but somehow, my heart sank.

He was trying to say, "I'm thirsty. Can you feed me water?"

Immediately, i went to look for the shop attendant. "Hey bro, do you feed these pups with water?". The shop attendant looked at me, puzzled. I drew a deeper breath and said louder, "They are thirsty. Can you please feed the puppies with water? Especially the Golden Retriever." As if on command, he dropped whatever he was working on immediately and went to get them their much needed drink.

The pup was lapping it up. Yes, i felt like we had done something good and i was happy. As i turned to leave, he stopped drinking and looked at me. I felt like he was thanking me for getting him some water. I just smiled.

As i was walking out towards the door, Audrey started laughing at the pup. She told me he was showing her how he played alone in that cold, concrete display cage. He pushed and pushed his bowl around the cage as fast as he could without dropping a single drop. In the end, he went too fast and he mistimed and got his paw in the bowl. And that overturned the bowl, once again.

I thought to myself, "So, that's how you ended up so thirsty, eh?". And i laughed and i walked out the door.

Clearly, he was very happy to be able to make us laugh. Just like a Golden Retriever, he is eager to please. But like any other Golden Retrievers, they need to run. He is already coming to 5 months old at that time. I'm worried that his hind legs is getting weak. I knew i had to leave then for i might end up carrying him home!

We had a short debate after we left the store. Should we get him? How are we to train him? Is it ok to leave him alone when we are at work? Will he destroy Franky's (my housemate) things in the house? Do we need to send him to obedient school? How do we toilet train him?

These are just the tip of the iceberg of the questions that i had in mind then. To shrug it off, i told Audrey that we should just take a walk around and just see how things goes. Instead of her usually trying to get me to buy her snacks, she started to think of names. At first, Goldie seems to be the choice. But i told her that name is just too common.

It was a trap! I, too, was caught up in thinking names. Two hours later, while queuing up at KFC for dinner, i came up with the name, Enzo. There were 3 reasons why i came up with that name. First of all, its not common like Baby, Coco, Lucky or Muffin. Number Dos, its Italian! And finally, i remembered i read a book somewhere that there was this dog named Enzo and he likes everything with an engine and 4 wheels to it especially Formula 1! Plus, Ferrari's founder is Enzo!



Everyday, Audrey would start to tease me with facebook wall messages like, "Enzo: I'm thirsty~wuwuwu~~" or "Enzo: Come play with me~". Yes, she's funny like that and that is why i love her! She just knows what's in my mind. hubba hubba~

There is not a day pass by without thinking of Enzo! Yes, i am in love with Enzo.

Here i am, one week later, blogging about him. Why? Simple.

Lately, i have been seeing a lot of posts on my facebook feed about puppy abusers, cat tormentors, etc. To me, its all the same. They are bloody murderers! You'd see pictures of them puppies being dragged by motorbikes, kitties being hanged to skin, bunnies being stomped on and the list just goes on and on.

This is really sad. In fact, it shows how much humans have advanced in terms of technologies and knowledge but degenerated greatly in humanities. I pray that these people get the same fate as these poor, defenseless animals. What sort of excitement or enjoyment do they get from this?!


There are a lot of people (like yours truly) are wishing hard that they can have such opportunities to have a pup! To give love and to receive it back unconditionally! Oh, the thought of it!

After a long day at work, you get home and to be greeted with that familiar bark and tail wag! Nothing is more welcoming than a eager, waiting pup at home!











So to you all tormentors out there, think about this:

Karma's a bitch!

The reality of this world

" Second chances are hard to come by...even if you are working hard to be a changed man. This is the reality of this cruel, pathetic and realistic world"

That was what i posted on Facebook. It is the voice of my heart. There are NO second chances..or thirds...or fourths..

Once you've wronged, forever you will be prosecuted. This is the truth that i've learnt today. Its ALWAYS too LATE. Always.

Why am i being so emo you might ask. The thing is, this is the fact. When was the last time you gave another chance to another person? That person might have received your so called chances many many times in the past. But i do believe that you will see if they are really working hard to be that changed person.

Tonight, i'm gonna rant about relationship. I might be a bit drunk but the pain and hurt in my heart rings true. Let me tell you a story...

Once upon a time, there was a man who lost everything when his wife left him. He figured that he is at fault because he thought of providing the family with enough money so that he will be the only one working and the rest is having a wonderful, carefree life.

But the right thoughts mixed with the wrong methods killed the intention. He ignored his wife's need. All she ever wanted was FAMILY LIFE. Not a boy trying to be a businessman. Nor a life filled with money to spend without her man.

During the first 2 years of separation, this man wasted all his fortunes drowning his anguish in liquors. When he finally came to, he decided to live a life totally on his own. Not believing in the word "love" any more.

Fast forward 6 years, he finally met someone who hijacked his breathe away. Someone he didn't even know. Turns out that this "someone" was someone he SHOULD have met somewhere in his life.

So they got together somehow and to the man, it was a prayer that was answered. 8 months down the road, they are facing the common issue where ALL couples face. The "bad times" period.

The man yet once again failed to heed advice from his lady due to his weakness. And by weakness, i mean his inability to cope to stress and pressure. And they had a quarrel. What he did was, he ran away from problems. Again.

Finally, his lady decided to just let him do anything he wants to. Not caring at all for what he does. Not. At. All.

This time, the man actually listen to himself. And he decided to be a changed man. All for her and the betterment of his own life. Well, mostly its about her. It took a lot of deal for him to admit his fault and he tried to make up with her again.

But it was different this time. She really meant what she decided. For the next 7 days, all he ever get to hug or kiss her is while she was asleep. Even when they held hands, she didn't clasp her hand onto his. Words that she said was filled with hidden messages. All the i-love-you's and the i-miss-you's was only replied with a simple nod. No loving words of affections was spoken from her. Nothing.

It hurt him a great deal. He persevered. He swallowed his pride and his ego down. All because he truly love her.

They went for a movie. It was quite a good and funny show. Everyone was laughing and having a great time. But he felt like crying. All the couples in the cinema sat close to each other while only he sat close while his lady sat straight. While in the car, she'd look out the window, away from him. This is the usual scenario for that 5 days.

Many times before he tried to let her know that he is truly sorry and he is working to achieve being that man that she wants him to be but to no avail. Like usual, only simple nods. No other words of affections.

To this man, he needs motivations, encouragements from one he truly cares about. He knows that it is too late. But didn't someone said better late than never?

At the end of this story is this, they had another quarrel after movie night. He told her that he needs another chance but she keeps saying that she already gave him many many chances in the past. Yet, he is still the same. And that she needs time. Whenever he tries to reason with her, she'd keep his wrongdoings in the past coming right up in his face.

Yes. This man is me. I can't find any other way to tell her, to convince her that i am working real hard to change. But why do i get this feeling that i am worse than her cheating ex? i am not comparing. Its just a feeling that i get.

Am i not to have the freedom of telling her what i feel? I don't know. All i know now is a miracle to save this relationship. It doesn't matter what methods she is using to either make me work harder or just to make me let her go. I don't want to know. I just want to love her.

Baby, if you are reading this. I want you to know that i love you so much that I'd do anything just to be with you. Please baby, forgive me.

At this moment, I'd like to end this drunken rant with this song...




Love my baby forever,
JL

When things goes wrong...

"When things goes wrong, it will definately go wrong" - Murphy's Law

How true is that for me now. I know its been some time since i last wrote anything here. But it seems that only whenever i'm hanging out waiting for either interviews or my girl, i'd find time to think and post.

This time is no exception.

First of all, i found that all that i ever stand for is not what i really am. I used to think that music is my life. But being the jack of all trades and master of none sort of person that i am, it is working against me. I'm losing my grooves and touches. To a point where i think i've disappointed some a lot of people playing with me. I've no excuse.

And i confirmed that i am the sort of person that could not handle stresses and pressures. I tend to run away from my problems. I'd delay it rather than to face it head on. I'm a coward and i've no excuse.

And boy, am i a good procrastinator! I remembered a one of my earliest post was about procrastination and yet again i'm doing it all the time, unknowingly.

And that person-whose-name-is-not-worth-mentioning-at-all wants to take my precious away to another country! WTF?!

Then, i wanted to earn lots of money to make my girl's (and mine) life comfortable but yet again i did it with the wrong methods. I was so caught up in getting that particular job that i think i made her disappointed. I guess i just did not realise that in time.

What's timing gotta do with this? Nothing. Just that it all fell in the wrong time. Its all about timing. Bad times bad equals worst.

I was blind. i didn't see that she's been patient and considerate to me. I know it ain't about the money. Its all about the feeling of security. I've failed in the past eight and a half months i'm with her. Sure we had good times. Times when we laughed, times when we just wanted to be alone together, times when things are rough, how we held on to each other going thru that time.....i just wish this is one of those times where our love triumph over it!

Things was going so bad for me last night on the way to work in Teluk Intan with Paul that i struggled to keep my tears from free flowing.

I thought to myself, "the devil is working against me...i will NOT play his games and i will keep believing in the Lord will provide me..".

Not a minute passed, the call that i've been waiting for came. They asked me to go for that second interview! Praise the Lord! In all things bad, my Man-Jesus Christ never fails to protect me! Then i thought of a Juwita song...

"Cos only in the dark that i can seem to see..."

How many times have i sat in this roller coaster of life? I'm not afraid of dying but i yearned to live. I'm breathing now but i am dead. I am strong yet so weak.

Why is it i cannot be that someone who can protect, provide and gives security to those that i love? Why is it that i get blinded so easily? Why? Why?? Why???!!

i know it is useless to vent my anger here. I know it is useless to say anything now. Only the end can justify the mean. The damage's been done. All i can do is damage control and pray that all i wanted is within the Lord's Plan.

Someone told me that everybody's life story has been written. It is only which chapter you're in. And that i shouldn't worry too much about it. But i had to admit i couldn't stop thinking about it.

I'm way too much in love with her to let her go. She is the reason that made me wanna be a better man. I know i've screwed up, I've f!@#$%d up my life. All i want now is make things right again....with her by my side.

Dreams are for dreamers

So here i am, sitting in Starbucks. With nothing to do (yet), i've decided to post something on my blog. Oh yeah, i just saw Jason Lo in Jaya 1 about 30minutes ago.

That got me thinking. When i was a small kid, i used to think that "celebrities", people on tv, singers, actors, musician...you get my drift, used to have a hard time living out of their professions. But i was soooooo wrong. Well, that is unless you are really big in other parts of the world. But not in Malaysia.

Everyone can just walk here and there without a bother. I guess they do get to go and buy ayam percik in pasar malam without people asking them for photographs and/or autographs! LOL!!!! Thinking about that, i feel like i've cheated myself all this time! LOL!!

That is what we grownups think. But not to a kid. Even those in their early 20s still thinks that being an entertainer, performer is something to shout about. The fact is, no.

I've been performing in public for the past 3-4 years. And i can tell you, it is nothing to shout about. So what if you have a single out in the market? So what if you are a regular performing entertainer? So what if you've recorded some tracks for other artists? Its not such a big deal. We can still all sit down and chug down a cold beer at German Bier Houz without people come and disturb. LOL!! (Yes, i DO know such people...so what?! LOL!!)

But there are some cases where they think they are on the road to superstardom. They talk differently, they walk differently. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE ROSES!! You will never be as big as you hope to be. Not with just dresses and hairsprays! I'm not saying that it is not achievable in Malaysia. You can but everything comes at a price.

Can you spend the rest of your waking days just practising the same old basic techniques? Can you sleep and dream of the same old techniques? Can you forgo the freedom of hanging out with your friends at the local cinema? Can you forgo the dream of having a nice car, a smartphone (if you still don't have one...like me.)? Even if you could, without having the right connections, you'll just end up wasting your life. Its better if you just go and get yourself a REAL job...just like everyone else. Do you have the X-Factor?

I am a entertainer by night and i still need to look for a job out there. Just like the rest of you. I dream of making it in this industry and oh God, i do pray so hard. But it still boils down to the same thing. DREAMS are for DREAMERS without WORK! You have to work really hard for your dreams or you'll just end up with that. Just a dream.

Nothing is too late and nothing is impossible. Take a look at a lot of great artists. A lot of them started with nothing. But they work super-power hard to achieve their dreams and in the end, they became what they are. Some work so damn hard that they lose focus of why they are doing it in the first place. And some get so caught up in their fame that they lose what made them so good in the beginning.

To sum it all up in 6 words: DREAM, BELIEVE, WORK HARD, HUMBLE and REALISTIC!

Love,

JL

P/S: picture was "snatched" from www.johntaglieri.com LOL!!!

money not enough~

Hey peeps!

Right now, i'm blogging from a COMPAQ Presario CQ42. LOL!!! i'm showing off cos this is not mine! LOL!!!

This is my mom's new lappie. For what she wanted i do not know. All i know is that my sis is quite upset about this purchase. Truth to be told, i kinda feel the same way too. Maybe i'm feeling jealous cos i don't own 1? Maybe.

But lately, seems like money is always the issue that we all shout about.

"WHY MUST YOU BUY THAT??", "I WANNA BUY THAT!" or "Oh, i WIsh i could BUY THAT!".

I know money can buy anything but i just won't buy everything! We study hard so we could get a better job. We work hard so we could earn more. We earn more therefore we spend more. And we worker harder so we could earn more to spend more. And the cycle goes on and on and on...

I hate to talk about work. I mean my day job. So i'm not gonna talk about it. The End..

working life

Hi peeps! I didn't know it was so long since i last posted! LOL!!!!! Guess life is different now that my days and nights are filled with activities!!

Let's see. I'm into my third week at a new job now. I quite like it although i HAD to wake up really early...(-_-"). I have been looking for this kinda job since.....i don't know! LOL!!

Paul said i need to work at least 10yrs and above to get to a managerial position...hmm...i wonder if i can do it in half that time. Lol! That's my new target.

But i didn't forget my main mission. Music. Nothing's gonna change my love for music! Its been a year since i worked on any new song. But me and CM CREW is working on a few right now. Hopefully able to get it done by next year for our first recording!!! Keep your finger crossed!

Life is good. Amen.

Love,
JL

Devilish Device~

APPLE's iPhone 3GS: The root of all temptations... >.< !!!

Indecision

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.”- Romans 8:35-37

For the past 2 weeks, i've been thinking long and hard. Literally losing a lot of sleep over it. Should i really go this time? This is how it all started.....

Just last week, i was having a great teh tarik time with me best mate, Timmy. Somehow i can't remember how we came to the topic of music, bands and joonhui. And this is what Phatboy said, "Mate, JH and i are looking forward to you playing bass with us. Come to KL. We'll figure something out. Since you've been lamenting how you are at the end of the road now."

Since that day, i've been really thinking about a change of environment. A change of my daily life. Don't get me wrong but i still love what i'm doing now. I seriously love the Crescendo Music Crew! I'm living my dream. Playing music for a living. That's what i always dreamed about. But when you, yourself who has been giving a lot of people asking you to go somewhere else for a change for the past i-don't-know-how-long the same and only reason, feeling jaded...you know it is time to move on.

I need to find myself a new set of wheels before moving down and that itself is an obstacle. Then i need to find a place to rent. And not to mention, getting a job.

Timmy has been a real mate by offering me to teach beginner guitar but that of course would mean i'm taking a 20%++ paycut from what i'm having now. But at least that is the only music related job that i'm qualified to do....i think. I'm still thinking if i should get an ordinary office job that is paying much much more (but by KL's standard...still not sufficient!)

Maybe JH's right. This is a really big leap of faith for me. Just like a fish out of its tank into another. What then, is faith? When you fervently believe in something that can't be seen, felt, touched, taste or heard. Am i prepared, mentally, physically and spiritually, for this?

I'm feeling so scared now. So afraid to move out of my comfort zone. I'm afraid that i would unwittingly sacrificed my sister's ambitions. I'm afraid that instead of gaining confidence and financially, i'm being battered by it. I'm afraid of being away from Sue Ann. Most of all...i'm afraid of failing.

JH, you're right. It pains everyone to say but Ann is really not dependent on me..in some ways. I know what i want. Confirmations and blessings. I'm not getting any younger by the minute. I can't afford to "try out" a different scenario. I don't have the luxury to test and try. I have absolutely no room to fail! The cost is too high for me.

Maybe there IS one way to solve this.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
-Psalm 23:4

Stop harrassing me!

Seriously, i first thought it will be nice to have girls courting you once in a while but this is getting wayYYYYYyyYyyYYYYY outta hand!!! STOP HARASSING ME, YOU STALKER!!!!! This have to end one way or the other!

Annoyed,
JL

Middle of the field~~

Right after practise today, my sister asked me to go to Polo Ground with her. Figuring i still need to go look for Sue Ann there, i agreed. Upon reaching there, my eyes started to look and look and look for her. Halfway thru, i spotted the same colour that she'd wear and i sprinted across the field to see if that is her. Unfortunately, it wasn't.

In the middle of the field i started looking. Really looked. There was a lot of activities going on. A lot of people doing things with their family. This got me thinking. "What the hell am i doing there? I don't belong there". I felt lost. It was like one of them MVs, where the protagonist would stand in the middle of a field or city or a group of people and the scene started turning around and around and around...looking for something. But i don't know what am i looking at.

I felt like i'm suppose to do something there but i wasn't. What was it i was supposed to do? What the hell have i been doing? I don't know.

One dead tree

I knew this day would come. It just came too soon. Too unprepared for it. I have always feared that hatred and bitterness would destroy the bridge. Its just the beginning.

I don't know how and i don't know when. Why didn't i see it? I'm starting to think that i am mad at myself. How could i be so ignorant and so blind? I was surprised to receive that call. Being informed of something like that in the middle of my weekly shows is never a good thing for me. The impact was so great that i couldn't keep on doing what i usually do. How can someone so young have such strong resentment? My crystal world has been crushed. Have i fail? Am i a failure? "Yes", came the answer.

On the way back home, i cried. There were no tears. My heart was in so much confusion and pain that i almost teared. I thought the tear well was dried up years ago when i was broken up. I told myself that i will never drop another tear of sadness. How i wish i could drop another tear. Its so hard to not feel what i really felt. The sadness was real but the smiles were fake. I can't show what i really feel there and then. Its none of their business.

But i knew i had to talk to someone. I called up someone that can relate to what happened. Hoping to able to gain understanding that he might be able to shed some light into that resentment. But i guess when a person changes, so does the resentment. It became understanding. "Don't treat a child like a child" he says. I agree that this is a humbling process for me. Perhaps i was too proud to admit that i was wrong in someways. I keep on telling excuses. Excuses that i believed were facts. Now i don't know what is real anymore.

I rather being by myself lately. I don't mind if i dun get invited to anything at all. I just don't feel like talking to anyone sometimes. Let alone, socializing. I think i'm giving up. Unconsciously, i'm giving up on the society. I used to be a dreamer. Dreaming of things to come. Things that i can do and things that i want to do. But now i'm fighting to keep up a simple task. As if those dreaming mechanism aborted ship.

I looked into a mirror. I saw a fighter. Not a fighting fighter but a defeated one. Bruised and broken. Weakened and dejected. Bloodied and laying on the ground. Those eyes...are one who has no soul in it. Those feet...can no longer stand. Its a sad, sad view.

Just like a dead tree in the middle of field, everything around is alive and well. Out of place and out of frame. That tree has given up when the last bough had broken off. Nothing short of a miracle can save that tree now. What will spring bring?

My Hinder moment...

I don't really know how to start off today's post. Not much of a problem for the past few postings. But still, here goes....

Lately i've been feeling bouncy springs in my steps. Its because somehow lately I'm beginning to feel God's presence more and more everyday. No, i have not decided to become a priest. I'm on my way back Home. I might get lost along the way but am not afraid. For i know that there are a lot of my friends will lead me in the right path. They will keep giving me choices for me to choose.

Life is like a bloody RPG gamebook. You get to choose whatever path you wanna go and the option seems endless. But still there are some paths that leads to self destruction. Its hard to guarantee that i will not repeat the same mistakes for i still own a human heart. A heart which longs for the comfort of the world. This is just the beginning of an amazing journey...

"A Journey of a thousand miles starts at the Gas Station..."

That was my status posted on facebook.com not long ago. I liked how it sounds like a one-liner but yet there's truth to it. Lately, i've been hooked on double edged meaning phrases. Don't know why or when. Just happens.

I finally threw away any excuses i have for not getting a proper day job and just went for an interview Paul introduced me to. I was kinda thinking that ...well, not thinking at all and just went for it! LOL!!! At the time of publishing, yours truly is still waiting for a favourable reply. Its not a high paying job or anything like i've done previously. Its totally a new environment to me. Its rare for me to just go by faith. I think all of my friends can testify that I am a King of Excuses.

"Hypocricy"

But i feel no excuse can be forgiven for going back on one's own words. Hypocricy. A word which i tried to avoid being categorised all my adulthood. But now, i'm on the edge of falling into it. I am still trying to find a reason to tell myself not to. But the magnetic power of hypocricy is strongly pulling me in. I am treading in dangerous waters. The ice is so thin that i could practically see the tides moving underneath.

The main reason, or rather why i am writing this post, is because of just an hour beforehand, i almost made a wrong step and did a seppuku! Almost. Got me cornered but God told me to hold my ground. To be honest, i'm not even sure if it is really God or was it just wishful thinking! I needed to gather my train of thoughts! Needed to get the facts right! And i prevailed yet another day! Victorious! FTW!! LOL~~

But i know that somewhere deep in the dark corner of my human heart, i wanted to! I was enjoying it. My heart was beating furiously! I was constantly thinking of new things, a new approach to finally get to the object of desire! So strong was the desire that i almost gave in to my heart! Its not anything illegal but its a matter of personal beliefs. A longing for companionship never felt so wrong!

I remembered what Elliott told me eons ago. "6 inches. The distance from your mind to your heart". But that distance never existed to me. I don't know if this is a trick of the mind or a desire of the heart! I wanted God to decide but somehow i still wanted to takeover. Such weak is the heart, fickle is the mind!! Hopefully i'll be able to sort things out as soon as possible because i just couldn't handle having such a fake mask over the real me. I know i can...because He says i can!

"The end is the beginning of another beginning's end"

I don't really know what that means but i just wanted to type something real cool for the closing! LOL!!! Just a random thought. Oh well, i guess i feel much lighter now that i blogged it out. I guess i'd feel much more awesome when i pray about it later when i crash. LOL!!!

So there you have it! Another of my late night super specials!!! LOL!!! Keep checking in for the progress of the Faith and Mind!

Lost Sheep,
JL

UPDATE 11/7/09: Almost lost my footing. Still dancing around on thin ice. Kinda revealed the truth but still insist on nothing. More to come...

UPDATE 26/7/09: Still doing what I'm doing now. Nothing more, nothing less. Still wondering why the heck am i doing all these things. I'm confused..

UPDATE 7/8/09: The rush seems to be dying down a bit. Maybe i'm too tired to care? All those researches and business planning is really taking its toll on me. I'll just let things be for now....

"...and the little dragon is awaken."

hahaha....i just love my blog titles!!!

This time, i just wanna tell you that I'm emotionally back on track! Thanks to Gabs! You know who you are...thanks for pulling me thru this time. Thanks to you i think I'm having my confidence back little by little. And thanks to Timmy too. Thanks for never letting me go. Really appreciate it.

Ok, now that it is off my chest, lets move on to something else.

I'm sure you noticed that on the right side there's a new addition of Feisty Princess thingy, right? That is my way of helping lil Char. I am not able to help them financially. I am saddened that such horrible things have happened to her. Such a sunshine! I hope all those reading this can just visit their site and just browse thru every page and do what ever you can. Even just drop them a message of hope will cheer them up a lot.

For this week, I feel that my performance is getting better than last week. Thank God! I just hope that this will keep on going. my life keep on changing....

JL

June 18th, 2009 11am
I couldn't really sleep. So i decided to just get up from my troubled sleep and just maybe surf around till i'm too tired to even have lunch. Hmm...i blame it all on watching Kungfu Panda and Finding Nemo back-to-back. Totally~~~~hehehe...I just love Jack Black doing Po! And i think besides Dory who is already awesome in Finding Nemo, my next fav character would be Crush Turtle. Dude was like, wow..and i was like, woow...and now i'm like, wooooow~~duuuuudeeeeee!! LOL!!!!I just love the way dude...i mean, he talks! Dont you?!

Anyways, i'm sure you guys already saw what i posted on my previous post. So, what happened was...*wishy-washy screen bending time*...two nights ago i was performing as usual and i'm already forcing myself to be confident and stuff, y'know. Then comes, this request paper and this was no request. Its written some 3 words that totally hit me in the gutter.

"SUARA TAK SEDAP"

I know i should take all comments constructively but not then. I was so disturbed that i immediately decided to stop singing altogether. First of all, I don't know if that comment was meant for me or for my partner, Mike....or it could be us both. And then, it could be because they thought it was funny to pull such pranks. Oh man...how i wanted to read it out loud and challenge them to come on stage to sing!! Nevertheless, i gritted my teeth and i said thank you. Why? Simple.

I will bless those who bless you, And I will curse him who curses you; And in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed.” - Genesis 12:3

I'm still deeply affected by that comment and hopefully i regain confidence in life and in things to come by tonight...no, it should be before tonight's performance. Or maybe there's truth to it? Maybe.

WANTED! I need some mental GPS!

Hi guys,
My horoscope says that today, or rather yesterday, I'm gonna need to face my own mood swings face-to-face. I wasn't sure what it meant until like 3 in the morning!! (No. i haven't been thinking about it all day. Duhhh!!!)

I was bored and had nothing to do so i did what i usually do....Youtubing!!! Yay!!! So, i happen to stumble upon DC Talk's WELCOME TO THE FREAK SHOW LIVE and half way through it, i started having flashbacks to those days when DCT totally owns any playlist in my room. I remembered back then, music was....pure fun. I knew what i wanted then.

I fell like i kinda lost my directions in life. As a person, I feel like i'm going nowhere with my current level. I believe this is where my Christian friends would say that i'm dry. Maybe. Not just in terms of spirituality, but in physical and mental state too. God, help me!

Musically, I'm exhausted. As a musician and also as a...ehem.."singer". Tho' I'm still not much of a singer!! LOL!!! I'm starting to doubt myself. The choices that i made seems to be really off the target. I'm suffocated with what i can't do! I'm losing consciousness of what i can do. I'm whatchamacallit...demoralized, demotivated, whatever it is...I seems to be chasing my own tail. Going in circles.

Do i really have the talents as my brotherhood bros have claimed?
Do i have what it takes?
Is this the best i can do?
Have i hit my limits?

These are the constant thoughts I'm having. I may be at the end of the make-believe road or i may be at the starting point of my incredible journey. Who knows?

Emo-for-a-second relapse,
JL