Indecision

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.”- Romans 8:35-37

For the past 2 weeks, i've been thinking long and hard. Literally losing a lot of sleep over it. Should i really go this time? This is how it all started.....

Just last week, i was having a great teh tarik time with me best mate, Timmy. Somehow i can't remember how we came to the topic of music, bands and joonhui. And this is what Phatboy said, "Mate, JH and i are looking forward to you playing bass with us. Come to KL. We'll figure something out. Since you've been lamenting how you are at the end of the road now."

Since that day, i've been really thinking about a change of environment. A change of my daily life. Don't get me wrong but i still love what i'm doing now. I seriously love the Crescendo Music Crew! I'm living my dream. Playing music for a living. That's what i always dreamed about. But when you, yourself who has been giving a lot of people asking you to go somewhere else for a change for the past i-don't-know-how-long the same and only reason, feeling jaded...you know it is time to move on.

I need to find myself a new set of wheels before moving down and that itself is an obstacle. Then i need to find a place to rent. And not to mention, getting a job.

Timmy has been a real mate by offering me to teach beginner guitar but that of course would mean i'm taking a 20%++ paycut from what i'm having now. But at least that is the only music related job that i'm qualified to do....i think. I'm still thinking if i should get an ordinary office job that is paying much much more (but by KL's standard...still not sufficient!)

Maybe JH's right. This is a really big leap of faith for me. Just like a fish out of its tank into another. What then, is faith? When you fervently believe in something that can't be seen, felt, touched, taste or heard. Am i prepared, mentally, physically and spiritually, for this?

I'm feeling so scared now. So afraid to move out of my comfort zone. I'm afraid that i would unwittingly sacrificed my sister's ambitions. I'm afraid that instead of gaining confidence and financially, i'm being battered by it. I'm afraid of being away from Sue Ann. Most of all...i'm afraid of failing.

JH, you're right. It pains everyone to say but Ann is really not dependent on me..in some ways. I know what i want. Confirmations and blessings. I'm not getting any younger by the minute. I can't afford to "try out" a different scenario. I don't have the luxury to test and try. I have absolutely no room to fail! The cost is too high for me.

Maybe there IS one way to solve this.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
-Psalm 23:4

Fish in a tank

Lately, my sister is having a fascination towards having cute, small and colourful fishies. So, we've been to quite a number of pet shops and places where they sell loads of fishes. Currently, she's adapting quite good with her guppies. Why guppies, you ask? Well, first of all, its easier to take care of it and they are quite a fast breed. Plus, she likes all things that are colorful. Especially if they have blue (it's her favorite color...). Then, she is also NOTORIOUSLY known to the family as the FISH KILLER!

I remember when we were still kids, we'd go and buy some fishes home from the market just for fun. We'd keep them in a pail of water and she'll go and scoop them up just to pet them and then throw em back into the pail. She'll continue to do this every few hours. In less than a week, all the fishes would perform their "leap of death" to escape her "pettings". That is why she is so determined to prove me wrong this time! LOL!!!!!

Anyway, this time i decided to attend to her whims and went around shopping for fishes together with my friend, Winnie. We went looking high and low for the tank and the perfect fish for her and we decided against the goldfish she initially wanted and bought the guppies. She also bought a modern looking tank (which is now in storage...Winnie's lil brother gave us another bigger tank. Thanks Winson!) and we even did a DIY lamp for the water plants! Yeah, we're too cheap to buy one! LOL!!

Then a few days later, we decide to get more guppies and we went to another shop. There is this one place in Greentown Mall which, i think, is the biggest place where they sell a lot of fishes and its equipments. While my sister and my friend, Winnie, is deciding which fish to buy, i went looking around. I was fascinated with the two sharks they put on display. I really wanted to get one someday!!! Watching them swimming non-stop in circles...damn, they make me dizzy! LOL!!!

Then i saw the Arowanas. At first, i couldn't recognize the Arowanas. i remembered dissing them about being aerodynamic due to their flat upper body lines and the knife-like curve on the under body. The joke was on me. When i looked at the price tag, i nearly jumped out of my skin. A small one about the size of my palm costs RM488! Then, as i started to take notice of this type of fish, i noticed there was alot of types. Such as the Great Red Arowana, the Silver Arowana and etc.

As i was squatting like a kid in front of the Arowana's tank, i began wondering. What is it like to be them? They don't know they worth so much and they are like a prized collection to breeders and hobbyist alike. But yet they are trapped in a tank. With no where to go. Nothing to look forward to. Swimming in a tank all day and all night. Just waiting. But for what?

I suddenly felt like i am a really blessed to be me. I can play music, sing my favorite songs, dressed to my liking and just interact with whomever i fancy. God made me for a reason which i have yet to discover. I thank God that i can move freely and just be me!

That trip to the fish store made me feel better. Yes. The fishes maybe a prized collection to some but to the fishes themselves, they are clueless. This applies to us. We might feel like we are the fishes. Trapped with no where to go in this rat race.

But outside the "tank", there is a Person which cares for us. Who feeds us "foods", make sure that the "water pH" is right for us and changes our "water" regularly to avoid "dirty algae" gathering and "kills" us . This Person isn't going to sell us to some shady store to make money. But this Person is doing it out of LOVE. This Person gave His "All" just to make sure that we are "grown" into that "prized collection" mould.

This Person...is none other than our Heavenly Father.

Love,
JL

Fish is food, not friend

My Hinder moment...

I don't really know how to start off today's post. Not much of a problem for the past few postings. But still, here goes....

Lately i've been feeling bouncy springs in my steps. Its because somehow lately I'm beginning to feel God's presence more and more everyday. No, i have not decided to become a priest. I'm on my way back Home. I might get lost along the way but am not afraid. For i know that there are a lot of my friends will lead me in the right path. They will keep giving me choices for me to choose.

Life is like a bloody RPG gamebook. You get to choose whatever path you wanna go and the option seems endless. But still there are some paths that leads to self destruction. Its hard to guarantee that i will not repeat the same mistakes for i still own a human heart. A heart which longs for the comfort of the world. This is just the beginning of an amazing journey...

"A Journey of a thousand miles starts at the Gas Station..."

That was my status posted on facebook.com not long ago. I liked how it sounds like a one-liner but yet there's truth to it. Lately, i've been hooked on double edged meaning phrases. Don't know why or when. Just happens.

I finally threw away any excuses i have for not getting a proper day job and just went for an interview Paul introduced me to. I was kinda thinking that ...well, not thinking at all and just went for it! LOL!!! At the time of publishing, yours truly is still waiting for a favourable reply. Its not a high paying job or anything like i've done previously. Its totally a new environment to me. Its rare for me to just go by faith. I think all of my friends can testify that I am a King of Excuses.

"Hypocricy"

But i feel no excuse can be forgiven for going back on one's own words. Hypocricy. A word which i tried to avoid being categorised all my adulthood. But now, i'm on the edge of falling into it. I am still trying to find a reason to tell myself not to. But the magnetic power of hypocricy is strongly pulling me in. I am treading in dangerous waters. The ice is so thin that i could practically see the tides moving underneath.

The main reason, or rather why i am writing this post, is because of just an hour beforehand, i almost made a wrong step and did a seppuku! Almost. Got me cornered but God told me to hold my ground. To be honest, i'm not even sure if it is really God or was it just wishful thinking! I needed to gather my train of thoughts! Needed to get the facts right! And i prevailed yet another day! Victorious! FTW!! LOL~~

But i know that somewhere deep in the dark corner of my human heart, i wanted to! I was enjoying it. My heart was beating furiously! I was constantly thinking of new things, a new approach to finally get to the object of desire! So strong was the desire that i almost gave in to my heart! Its not anything illegal but its a matter of personal beliefs. A longing for companionship never felt so wrong!

I remembered what Elliott told me eons ago. "6 inches. The distance from your mind to your heart". But that distance never existed to me. I don't know if this is a trick of the mind or a desire of the heart! I wanted God to decide but somehow i still wanted to takeover. Such weak is the heart, fickle is the mind!! Hopefully i'll be able to sort things out as soon as possible because i just couldn't handle having such a fake mask over the real me. I know i can...because He says i can!

"The end is the beginning of another beginning's end"

I don't really know what that means but i just wanted to type something real cool for the closing! LOL!!! Just a random thought. Oh well, i guess i feel much lighter now that i blogged it out. I guess i'd feel much more awesome when i pray about it later when i crash. LOL!!!

So there you have it! Another of my late night super specials!!! LOL!!! Keep checking in for the progress of the Faith and Mind!

Lost Sheep,
JL

UPDATE 11/7/09: Almost lost my footing. Still dancing around on thin ice. Kinda revealed the truth but still insist on nothing. More to come...

UPDATE 26/7/09: Still doing what I'm doing now. Nothing more, nothing less. Still wondering why the heck am i doing all these things. I'm confused..

UPDATE 7/8/09: The rush seems to be dying down a bit. Maybe i'm too tired to care? All those researches and business planning is really taking its toll on me. I'll just let things be for now....