Indecision

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.”- Romans 8:35-37

For the past 2 weeks, i've been thinking long and hard. Literally losing a lot of sleep over it. Should i really go this time? This is how it all started.....

Just last week, i was having a great teh tarik time with me best mate, Timmy. Somehow i can't remember how we came to the topic of music, bands and joonhui. And this is what Phatboy said, "Mate, JH and i are looking forward to you playing bass with us. Come to KL. We'll figure something out. Since you've been lamenting how you are at the end of the road now."

Since that day, i've been really thinking about a change of environment. A change of my daily life. Don't get me wrong but i still love what i'm doing now. I seriously love the Crescendo Music Crew! I'm living my dream. Playing music for a living. That's what i always dreamed about. But when you, yourself who has been giving a lot of people asking you to go somewhere else for a change for the past i-don't-know-how-long the same and only reason, feeling jaded...you know it is time to move on.

I need to find myself a new set of wheels before moving down and that itself is an obstacle. Then i need to find a place to rent. And not to mention, getting a job.

Timmy has been a real mate by offering me to teach beginner guitar but that of course would mean i'm taking a 20%++ paycut from what i'm having now. But at least that is the only music related job that i'm qualified to do....i think. I'm still thinking if i should get an ordinary office job that is paying much much more (but by KL's standard...still not sufficient!)

Maybe JH's right. This is a really big leap of faith for me. Just like a fish out of its tank into another. What then, is faith? When you fervently believe in something that can't be seen, felt, touched, taste or heard. Am i prepared, mentally, physically and spiritually, for this?

I'm feeling so scared now. So afraid to move out of my comfort zone. I'm afraid that i would unwittingly sacrificed my sister's ambitions. I'm afraid that instead of gaining confidence and financially, i'm being battered by it. I'm afraid of being away from Sue Ann. Most of all...i'm afraid of failing.

JH, you're right. It pains everyone to say but Ann is really not dependent on me..in some ways. I know what i want. Confirmations and blessings. I'm not getting any younger by the minute. I can't afford to "try out" a different scenario. I don't have the luxury to test and try. I have absolutely no room to fail! The cost is too high for me.

Maybe there IS one way to solve this.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
-Psalm 23:4