When things goes wrong...

"When things goes wrong, it will definately go wrong" - Murphy's Law

How true is that for me now. I know its been some time since i last wrote anything here. But it seems that only whenever i'm hanging out waiting for either interviews or my girl, i'd find time to think and post.

This time is no exception.

First of all, i found that all that i ever stand for is not what i really am. I used to think that music is my life. But being the jack of all trades and master of none sort of person that i am, it is working against me. I'm losing my grooves and touches. To a point where i think i've disappointed some a lot of people playing with me. I've no excuse.

And i confirmed that i am the sort of person that could not handle stresses and pressures. I tend to run away from my problems. I'd delay it rather than to face it head on. I'm a coward and i've no excuse.

And boy, am i a good procrastinator! I remembered a one of my earliest post was about procrastination and yet again i'm doing it all the time, unknowingly.

And that person-whose-name-is-not-worth-mentioning-at-all wants to take my precious away to another country! WTF?!

Then, i wanted to earn lots of money to make my girl's (and mine) life comfortable but yet again i did it with the wrong methods. I was so caught up in getting that particular job that i think i made her disappointed. I guess i just did not realise that in time.

What's timing gotta do with this? Nothing. Just that it all fell in the wrong time. Its all about timing. Bad times bad equals worst.

I was blind. i didn't see that she's been patient and considerate to me. I know it ain't about the money. Its all about the feeling of security. I've failed in the past eight and a half months i'm with her. Sure we had good times. Times when we laughed, times when we just wanted to be alone together, times when things are rough, how we held on to each other going thru that time.....i just wish this is one of those times where our love triumph over it!

Things was going so bad for me last night on the way to work in Teluk Intan with Paul that i struggled to keep my tears from free flowing.

I thought to myself, "the devil is working against me...i will NOT play his games and i will keep believing in the Lord will provide me..".

Not a minute passed, the call that i've been waiting for came. They asked me to go for that second interview! Praise the Lord! In all things bad, my Man-Jesus Christ never fails to protect me! Then i thought of a Juwita song...

"Cos only in the dark that i can seem to see..."

How many times have i sat in this roller coaster of life? I'm not afraid of dying but i yearned to live. I'm breathing now but i am dead. I am strong yet so weak.

Why is it i cannot be that someone who can protect, provide and gives security to those that i love? Why is it that i get blinded so easily? Why? Why?? Why???!!

i know it is useless to vent my anger here. I know it is useless to say anything now. Only the end can justify the mean. The damage's been done. All i can do is damage control and pray that all i wanted is within the Lord's Plan.

Someone told me that everybody's life story has been written. It is only which chapter you're in. And that i shouldn't worry too much about it. But i had to admit i couldn't stop thinking about it.

I'm way too much in love with her to let her go. She is the reason that made me wanna be a better man. I know i've screwed up, I've f!@#$%d up my life. All i want now is make things right again....with her by my side.