The reality of this world

" Second chances are hard to come by...even if you are working hard to be a changed man. This is the reality of this cruel, pathetic and realistic world"

That was what i posted on Facebook. It is the voice of my heart. There are NO second chances..or thirds...or fourths..

Once you've wronged, forever you will be prosecuted. This is the truth that i've learnt today. Its ALWAYS too LATE. Always.

Why am i being so emo you might ask. The thing is, this is the fact. When was the last time you gave another chance to another person? That person might have received your so called chances many many times in the past. But i do believe that you will see if they are really working hard to be that changed person.

Tonight, i'm gonna rant about relationship. I might be a bit drunk but the pain and hurt in my heart rings true. Let me tell you a story...

Once upon a time, there was a man who lost everything when his wife left him. He figured that he is at fault because he thought of providing the family with enough money so that he will be the only one working and the rest is having a wonderful, carefree life.

But the right thoughts mixed with the wrong methods killed the intention. He ignored his wife's need. All she ever wanted was FAMILY LIFE. Not a boy trying to be a businessman. Nor a life filled with money to spend without her man.

During the first 2 years of separation, this man wasted all his fortunes drowning his anguish in liquors. When he finally came to, he decided to live a life totally on his own. Not believing in the word "love" any more.

Fast forward 6 years, he finally met someone who hijacked his breathe away. Someone he didn't even know. Turns out that this "someone" was someone he SHOULD have met somewhere in his life.

So they got together somehow and to the man, it was a prayer that was answered. 8 months down the road, they are facing the common issue where ALL couples face. The "bad times" period.

The man yet once again failed to heed advice from his lady due to his weakness. And by weakness, i mean his inability to cope to stress and pressure. And they had a quarrel. What he did was, he ran away from problems. Again.

Finally, his lady decided to just let him do anything he wants to. Not caring at all for what he does. Not. At. All.

This time, the man actually listen to himself. And he decided to be a changed man. All for her and the betterment of his own life. Well, mostly its about her. It took a lot of deal for him to admit his fault and he tried to make up with her again.

But it was different this time. She really meant what she decided. For the next 7 days, all he ever get to hug or kiss her is while she was asleep. Even when they held hands, she didn't clasp her hand onto his. Words that she said was filled with hidden messages. All the i-love-you's and the i-miss-you's was only replied with a simple nod. No loving words of affections was spoken from her. Nothing.

It hurt him a great deal. He persevered. He swallowed his pride and his ego down. All because he truly love her.

They went for a movie. It was quite a good and funny show. Everyone was laughing and having a great time. But he felt like crying. All the couples in the cinema sat close to each other while only he sat close while his lady sat straight. While in the car, she'd look out the window, away from him. This is the usual scenario for that 5 days.

Many times before he tried to let her know that he is truly sorry and he is working to achieve being that man that she wants him to be but to no avail. Like usual, only simple nods. No other words of affections.

To this man, he needs motivations, encouragements from one he truly cares about. He knows that it is too late. But didn't someone said better late than never?

At the end of this story is this, they had another quarrel after movie night. He told her that he needs another chance but she keeps saying that she already gave him many many chances in the past. Yet, he is still the same. And that she needs time. Whenever he tries to reason with her, she'd keep his wrongdoings in the past coming right up in his face.

Yes. This man is me. I can't find any other way to tell her, to convince her that i am working real hard to change. But why do i get this feeling that i am worse than her cheating ex? i am not comparing. Its just a feeling that i get.

Am i not to have the freedom of telling her what i feel? I don't know. All i know now is a miracle to save this relationship. It doesn't matter what methods she is using to either make me work harder or just to make me let her go. I don't want to know. I just want to love her.

Baby, if you are reading this. I want you to know that i love you so much that I'd do anything just to be with you. Please baby, forgive me.

At this moment, I'd like to end this drunken rant with this song...




Love my baby forever,
JL

When things goes wrong...

"When things goes wrong, it will definately go wrong" - Murphy's Law

How true is that for me now. I know its been some time since i last wrote anything here. But it seems that only whenever i'm hanging out waiting for either interviews or my girl, i'd find time to think and post.

This time is no exception.

First of all, i found that all that i ever stand for is not what i really am. I used to think that music is my life. But being the jack of all trades and master of none sort of person that i am, it is working against me. I'm losing my grooves and touches. To a point where i think i've disappointed some a lot of people playing with me. I've no excuse.

And i confirmed that i am the sort of person that could not handle stresses and pressures. I tend to run away from my problems. I'd delay it rather than to face it head on. I'm a coward and i've no excuse.

And boy, am i a good procrastinator! I remembered a one of my earliest post was about procrastination and yet again i'm doing it all the time, unknowingly.

And that person-whose-name-is-not-worth-mentioning-at-all wants to take my precious away to another country! WTF?!

Then, i wanted to earn lots of money to make my girl's (and mine) life comfortable but yet again i did it with the wrong methods. I was so caught up in getting that particular job that i think i made her disappointed. I guess i just did not realise that in time.

What's timing gotta do with this? Nothing. Just that it all fell in the wrong time. Its all about timing. Bad times bad equals worst.

I was blind. i didn't see that she's been patient and considerate to me. I know it ain't about the money. Its all about the feeling of security. I've failed in the past eight and a half months i'm with her. Sure we had good times. Times when we laughed, times when we just wanted to be alone together, times when things are rough, how we held on to each other going thru that time.....i just wish this is one of those times where our love triumph over it!

Things was going so bad for me last night on the way to work in Teluk Intan with Paul that i struggled to keep my tears from free flowing.

I thought to myself, "the devil is working against me...i will NOT play his games and i will keep believing in the Lord will provide me..".

Not a minute passed, the call that i've been waiting for came. They asked me to go for that second interview! Praise the Lord! In all things bad, my Man-Jesus Christ never fails to protect me! Then i thought of a Juwita song...

"Cos only in the dark that i can seem to see..."

How many times have i sat in this roller coaster of life? I'm not afraid of dying but i yearned to live. I'm breathing now but i am dead. I am strong yet so weak.

Why is it i cannot be that someone who can protect, provide and gives security to those that i love? Why is it that i get blinded so easily? Why? Why?? Why???!!

i know it is useless to vent my anger here. I know it is useless to say anything now. Only the end can justify the mean. The damage's been done. All i can do is damage control and pray that all i wanted is within the Lord's Plan.

Someone told me that everybody's life story has been written. It is only which chapter you're in. And that i shouldn't worry too much about it. But i had to admit i couldn't stop thinking about it.

I'm way too much in love with her to let her go. She is the reason that made me wanna be a better man. I know i've screwed up, I've f!@#$%d up my life. All i want now is make things right again....with her by my side.

Dreams are for dreamers

So here i am, sitting in Starbucks. With nothing to do (yet), i've decided to post something on my blog. Oh yeah, i just saw Jason Lo in Jaya 1 about 30minutes ago.

That got me thinking. When i was a small kid, i used to think that "celebrities", people on tv, singers, actors, musician...you get my drift, used to have a hard time living out of their professions. But i was soooooo wrong. Well, that is unless you are really big in other parts of the world. But not in Malaysia.

Everyone can just walk here and there without a bother. I guess they do get to go and buy ayam percik in pasar malam without people asking them for photographs and/or autographs! LOL!!!! Thinking about that, i feel like i've cheated myself all this time! LOL!!

That is what we grownups think. But not to a kid. Even those in their early 20s still thinks that being an entertainer, performer is something to shout about. The fact is, no.

I've been performing in public for the past 3-4 years. And i can tell you, it is nothing to shout about. So what if you have a single out in the market? So what if you are a regular performing entertainer? So what if you've recorded some tracks for other artists? Its not such a big deal. We can still all sit down and chug down a cold beer at German Bier Houz without people come and disturb. LOL!! (Yes, i DO know such people...so what?! LOL!!)

But there are some cases where they think they are on the road to superstardom. They talk differently, they walk differently. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE ROSES!! You will never be as big as you hope to be. Not with just dresses and hairsprays! I'm not saying that it is not achievable in Malaysia. You can but everything comes at a price.

Can you spend the rest of your waking days just practising the same old basic techniques? Can you sleep and dream of the same old techniques? Can you forgo the freedom of hanging out with your friends at the local cinema? Can you forgo the dream of having a nice car, a smartphone (if you still don't have one...like me.)? Even if you could, without having the right connections, you'll just end up wasting your life. Its better if you just go and get yourself a REAL job...just like everyone else. Do you have the X-Factor?

I am a entertainer by night and i still need to look for a job out there. Just like the rest of you. I dream of making it in this industry and oh God, i do pray so hard. But it still boils down to the same thing. DREAMS are for DREAMERS without WORK! You have to work really hard for your dreams or you'll just end up with that. Just a dream.

Nothing is too late and nothing is impossible. Take a look at a lot of great artists. A lot of them started with nothing. But they work super-power hard to achieve their dreams and in the end, they became what they are. Some work so damn hard that they lose focus of why they are doing it in the first place. And some get so caught up in their fame that they lose what made them so good in the beginning.

To sum it all up in 6 words: DREAM, BELIEVE, WORK HARD, HUMBLE and REALISTIC!

Love,

JL

P/S: picture was "snatched" from www.johntaglieri.com LOL!!!