Blog ReVisit: The Journey of Emotions

July 26th, 2008. Sunday. 4am

I had nothing to do while waiting for my tiny brain to wind down from thinking too much. Have been busy revamping my songbook for new songs and also from planning some businesses (more on that later postings). To be honest, I'm so stressed and tired from thinking. So i guess, I'd take a break from all that heavy stuff and just wind down reading my older blogs.

I started blogging in '07. Read my sister's blog and i find that it was so cool! I didn't realize her writings have improved so much!! Glad we didn't waste any time and effort on her studies! LOL!!! Then i decided i wanted to have my own blog too. The first posting seems a little bit crappy to me. Trying to hard to impress, i guess. But as i read on, i realized one thing. Its the journey of emotions that i was in during those years. For the first few early blogs, i think i sounded emo. I mean, from time to time, i still do but not as emo as then! LOL!!!! But as the postings progressed, i sensed that i was becoming someone else too. Too bad i did not continue blogging during my HLBB days. I could have seen how much i have improved emotionally, financially and also in life. But as Sandy have said, "If i did not post anything, means i'm livin' just fine!" LOL!! Maybe.

I wish i could blog more these days. But i just don't have the ideas on what to post. But i guess anything goes. All i need is to click "NEW POST" and have a good title. And my fingers do all the work. I guess that is what i need to do in life too. I just need to have the same thing to move on.

God has been good to me. Always have been. Its just that i only realise that now. This is an uphill battle that i'm in. Some of my friends do not know why am i suddenly turn face. As sudden as i turned tail. But i am tired of relying on my own hands to go on. I need the blessings of faith unseen. I don't know how much further i can go on the way Home. But i promised myself i'd honestly try.

My eyes can barely open right now. I guess i'll sign off for now and continue about some other crappy things in life!!! LOL!!! Till then, keep following!!

Emotion junkie,
JL

My Hinder moment...

I don't really know how to start off today's post. Not much of a problem for the past few postings. But still, here goes....

Lately i've been feeling bouncy springs in my steps. Its because somehow lately I'm beginning to feel God's presence more and more everyday. No, i have not decided to become a priest. I'm on my way back Home. I might get lost along the way but am not afraid. For i know that there are a lot of my friends will lead me in the right path. They will keep giving me choices for me to choose.

Life is like a bloody RPG gamebook. You get to choose whatever path you wanna go and the option seems endless. But still there are some paths that leads to self destruction. Its hard to guarantee that i will not repeat the same mistakes for i still own a human heart. A heart which longs for the comfort of the world. This is just the beginning of an amazing journey...

"A Journey of a thousand miles starts at the Gas Station..."

That was my status posted on facebook.com not long ago. I liked how it sounds like a one-liner but yet there's truth to it. Lately, i've been hooked on double edged meaning phrases. Don't know why or when. Just happens.

I finally threw away any excuses i have for not getting a proper day job and just went for an interview Paul introduced me to. I was kinda thinking that ...well, not thinking at all and just went for it! LOL!!! At the time of publishing, yours truly is still waiting for a favourable reply. Its not a high paying job or anything like i've done previously. Its totally a new environment to me. Its rare for me to just go by faith. I think all of my friends can testify that I am a King of Excuses.

"Hypocricy"

But i feel no excuse can be forgiven for going back on one's own words. Hypocricy. A word which i tried to avoid being categorised all my adulthood. But now, i'm on the edge of falling into it. I am still trying to find a reason to tell myself not to. But the magnetic power of hypocricy is strongly pulling me in. I am treading in dangerous waters. The ice is so thin that i could practically see the tides moving underneath.

The main reason, or rather why i am writing this post, is because of just an hour beforehand, i almost made a wrong step and did a seppuku! Almost. Got me cornered but God told me to hold my ground. To be honest, i'm not even sure if it is really God or was it just wishful thinking! I needed to gather my train of thoughts! Needed to get the facts right! And i prevailed yet another day! Victorious! FTW!! LOL~~

But i know that somewhere deep in the dark corner of my human heart, i wanted to! I was enjoying it. My heart was beating furiously! I was constantly thinking of new things, a new approach to finally get to the object of desire! So strong was the desire that i almost gave in to my heart! Its not anything illegal but its a matter of personal beliefs. A longing for companionship never felt so wrong!

I remembered what Elliott told me eons ago. "6 inches. The distance from your mind to your heart". But that distance never existed to me. I don't know if this is a trick of the mind or a desire of the heart! I wanted God to decide but somehow i still wanted to takeover. Such weak is the heart, fickle is the mind!! Hopefully i'll be able to sort things out as soon as possible because i just couldn't handle having such a fake mask over the real me. I know i can...because He says i can!

"The end is the beginning of another beginning's end"

I don't really know what that means but i just wanted to type something real cool for the closing! LOL!!! Just a random thought. Oh well, i guess i feel much lighter now that i blogged it out. I guess i'd feel much more awesome when i pray about it later when i crash. LOL!!!

So there you have it! Another of my late night super specials!!! LOL!!! Keep checking in for the progress of the Faith and Mind!

Lost Sheep,
JL

UPDATE 11/7/09: Almost lost my footing. Still dancing around on thin ice. Kinda revealed the truth but still insist on nothing. More to come...

UPDATE 26/7/09: Still doing what I'm doing now. Nothing more, nothing less. Still wondering why the heck am i doing all these things. I'm confused..

UPDATE 7/8/09: The rush seems to be dying down a bit. Maybe i'm too tired to care? All those researches and business planning is really taking its toll on me. I'll just let things be for now....

Michael Jackson: Entertainer of the World

Just finished watching Michael Jackson Memorial live streaming. I was lucky that i got home in time to watch it! I think i missed the early part of the show. I only saw when Queen Latiffah was giving a speech. But anyways, I would like to say thanks to Gabe Bondoc for it was his Twitter post that gave me the link to the live streaming! HAHAHAHA~~~I'm not gonna go blog out the whole MJ thing here. Go Google it up! XP

Rev Al Sharpton gave a really great speech. I think his word to Michael's kids will resound for years to come whenever we speak of the Gloved One...

"Your daddy is not strange. Only strange things happened to him and he dealt with it!"

What a speech! I'm not sure if there is anyway to watch it all over again...yet. But my heart goes out to Prince, Paris and Blanket. My heart broke when Paris tried to find comforting words but broke into tears instead. Poor child...

I'm not trying to fit into this MJ frenzy but i would really like to share with you my first experience with The King of Pop. (hmm...sounds like i actually met him! Too bad i didn't...*sad*). The very first video/song from MJ was Beat It. I remember i was still a kiddo. I was placed into my nanny's house that time and those days, they had those tv which has sliding doors on it and you had to turn the knob to find the channel! Ahhh...nostalgic days..After that, we would reenact the MV. Jumping left and right, trying to dance like MJ and getting scolded for messing up the living room!!! LOL!!! My nanny's err..kid(??)...I'm not sure..but we all calls him brother...in indian..hahahaha. Yes. My nanny was an indian. Believe it or not, i used to have an Indian name too...I was Raja...LOL!!! yeah...I'm the King! Can't help it. They just adore my babyface!

I can't say that i'm a fan of MJ's work but i'm a fan for what he did with Heal The World Foundation. Such passion...i can't find the right words. I am always amazed when someone at his level of fame and fortune, still can find time to care for the HIV/AIDS patients or even dirt poor citizens of the world. I always wanted to do something like that. Not to the extend like MJ but i'm gonna do it my way....someday. By God's grace, i will.

Anyway, i think i've covered what i wanted to say now. MJ, you will never be alone....R.I.P.

"...and the little dragon is awaken."

hahaha....i just love my blog titles!!!

This time, i just wanna tell you that I'm emotionally back on track! Thanks to Gabs! You know who you are...thanks for pulling me thru this time. Thanks to you i think I'm having my confidence back little by little. And thanks to Timmy too. Thanks for never letting me go. Really appreciate it.

Ok, now that it is off my chest, lets move on to something else.

I'm sure you noticed that on the right side there's a new addition of Feisty Princess thingy, right? That is my way of helping lil Char. I am not able to help them financially. I am saddened that such horrible things have happened to her. Such a sunshine! I hope all those reading this can just visit their site and just browse thru every page and do what ever you can. Even just drop them a message of hope will cheer them up a lot.

For this week, I feel that my performance is getting better than last week. Thank God! I just hope that this will keep on going. my life keep on changing....

JL